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​If you are new in the bdsm community you will be asked really quickly:

  • Do you want to be my slave or sub?

​But are you really a submissive? How can we define a submissive? The question wasn’t just about been submitted, but also what is expected from a submissive. The definition is of a great importance because you will be told to do stuff because you are a submissive. You need to establish a baseline of what is normal and what is not. Remember that it’s your life and it’s your relation. You will at the end define submissive according to your own taste and expectation. But a baseline should give you a general idea for a start to build your own definition.

What does submissive mean?

What define submissive peoples? I would tend to say as a baseline that a submissive is a person with a natural tendency to follow direction from another person they choose as their leader. The two important words to define submissive are:

  • Natural tendency: You are submissive or you are not. A true submissive is never forced into submission. It’s always a free choice to satisfy a person needs. If you are forced you are not a true submissive and it usually caused by an abusive relationship.
  • They choose their leader: A submissive will not be forced to obey because the “I’m a Master and you are a slave. You must obey!”. A submissive obey because she wants to follow the leader she choose.

​So what define submissive? Natural tendency to obey by free will to a leader they choose. 

Can anybody receive a “submissive training”?

That’s kind of a tricky question. If you mean anybody can be forced into submission: yes. But would it make a good and meaning full submissive? NO!

You can train mostly anybody to act as a submissive. People are human, they can be broken. They will act as a submissive, but what you will gain? A livid piece of flesh. That’s not valuable nor useful!

How can we define submissive training in a good way?

We just saw that anybody can be trained as a submissive. But if you are an ethical Dom, you don’t want a livid submissive. You will see it as abuse and boring.

​Now if we define submissive training as a way to educate, help to grow and make the person feel appreciated and valued. That’s a totally positive thing to do. Training a submissive is a deep exchange between a dominant and her. Done the right way it creates a learning that will last for life. It will also create a profound bond between them.

​What define submissive value to her Dominant? The level of bonding between them!

Does wearing a slave or submissive collar make me a submissive?

A good submissive training is an integral part of proper collaring (formal collar). We will discuss the meaning of the collar in another post. But for now, we can state that the formal collar is like the graduation diploma of the submissive and the dominant. It means that the submissive followed and passed what the dominant consider as the necessary step to represent him in public. But it also means that the submissive is proud not just to show as a submissive, but also as the submission of is owner.

If you are offered a collar without any submissive training or adaptation period with your new dominant it’s a BIG RED FLAG. It means that he doesn’t want to invest time in you and that he is not a knowledgeable Dominant. It most probably an idiot. That said, some use training collar, it’s not a formal collar and only state that you are under is training. They mean you have passed the first step, but not graduated for now. It should not be given from the start trough.

So what makes a good submissive in a bdsm perspective?

A good submissive is not one that can do extreme stuff. It’s not one that will accept any order without questioning. A good submissive is one with whom the dominant can have live interaction. It’s one that understands her role in the dynamic of the relation and will act accordingly. The submissive will, for example, take the initiative to prepare is coffee in the morning. He or she may take action to cuddle him if he is in need of it. Those actions are just an example, they are more of a service oriented role. But the point is a good submissive will be a living submissive that understand, respect and feel secure with how the relation dynamic goes. The submissive won’t ask for orders all the time. The submissive will act to make the dynamic work and stay meaningful for them.